To My Father...

My second favorite person in the entire world- whom I always long to call on the telephone- provided Adam isn't picking up. My dad always likes when I mention him in my blog, so here you go big guy. What a fine example you set for me- such great traits I inherit such as, but not limited to the following: 

1) An adeptness at making jokes involving a penis, vagina and/or mammories. Truly a gift. "I'll have the black cod...k" 

2) Wearing out peoples' flaws so that they actually think that you hate them...when you actually like them.  

3) The rubbery, disapproving face, perfect for letting someone know that you, um, disapprove. 

4) A high-pitched squeal voice- leading to a never-ending chorus at my mother's family's dinners when my cousins chant "Do Bob! Do Bob!" "JEEEEEAAANEEETTTTTEEEEEE!!! Can you feel my foreheaaad!?"

5) A weird, sarcastic cadence that has a meter all it's own and can make any innocuous line of English seem stupid.

6) His jumpshot. OK, so he's not all bad...

7) ...And conversely, the ability to do little else at a high level on a basketball court.

8)  Skinny, girl legs which make me look 80, rather than 21.

9) Dominance at video games. Oh, wait, I didn't inherit this. I'm more of a pioneer in my family in this field...

10) And lastly, where would I be in terms of girls if I had another father? Oh, you know what...don't answer that...we are talking about a man who calls me so many times a day that he actually has interrupted some, um, intimate moments in the past few years...yeah, I wouldn't give him your cell number if I were you, especially if you're a 20 year-old interested in losing your virginity.

 

Of course, I'm kidding around. I love my father and would continue to hold him in high regard, despite what the pending paternity tests might reveal. Miss you, big guy!