For those of you who haven't heard my ponifications upon the subject of old people, I'll both spare you and fill you in by making long story, short. They smell, they're slow, they drive poorly, they have no idea about anything technological, aaaaand, well....did I mention they smell? It's a big one. Anyway, the why isn't necessarily important. The important thing is that they're an inconvience and also a hazzard. They're like crappy old versions of stuff that still exists and no one really wants to deal with anymore. Like un-referbished automobiles where the gears are rusted and it makes an awful noise and you just dunno what to do with it. Except old people you can't just tke off to the dump. Which got me thinking.
Mom took me to Kew Gardens (a gigantic park west of London) to see an outdoor art exhibition (who says I'm uncultured!? "Butler, do get my champagne, smoking pipe and Hunter's Weekly this instant!"). Anyway, I noticed, as I usually do, that seniors got a hefty 2 pound discount (4 american dollars!). Well, I don't know why it didn't occur to me before, but what the fuck!? Why do old people get a discount?? We're encouraging these archaic relics? I'm not the one that stinks up the place with old people fart. And I drive...well, I know how to use the internet. From now on, we're charging old people 10 pounds more and thats the whole of it. Oh, and they have to give piggy back rides on demand. If they have new hearts and hips and knees and who knows what else, why should I walk around on my 20 year old babies? When I'm the leader of the freeworld, senior discounts will become an abominable concept forever done away with like Uggs and gafilta fish.
Idea No. 2! I finally figured out what to do with my divorced parents when my step parents sadly pass away before them! Both my mother and father (who don't get along) say that I have to take care of them, which to this point I've been uncomfortable with. Yet, I've found as practical solution as any as noted above. I will force them to live in my basement like a couple of trolls only to find out that they cannot leave and must kill the other in order to survive- a la Alien Versus Predator. Of course, my father will be the alien (not a shocker) and my mother will be the predator (definately not a surprise). Call me crazy, but I like it. Plus, it creates a tragic, yet ironic storybook ending to one of their lives that would surely make a cheesy Hollywood blockbuster producer proud. Son of the year? I think so! The only thing to decide now is what to do with the champion...I'm thinking retirement home.
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