I Really Need a Vacation

I don't really care where I go, I can just feel myself becoming less and less interested in...well, anything. It's not that I'm apathetic, I really want something big and good and fun to happen, I just feel like I'm looking for it too much and I want to go somewhere where I'm not worried about work or family or girl failure. I want to lie on a beach with a beautiful lady in a one piece. I think this situation would be ideal. I need a few weeks of careless relaxing with a beautiful woman. Which brings me to my next point. Girls always look better in one pieces. Rarely do I look at a girl in a bikkini and think "Wow." I think it's probably because a bikkini highlights a girl's abdomen and, well, lets just say most girls aren't strong there (I know I'm not a girl, but I'm not strong in the belly either, good thing there's no men's bikkinis).

This might sound silly, but I wish sometimes that I had no school work to do. It really feels like school is a hinderence to my learning. School is a HUGE chore and if I had time, I'd totally learn more. I'd ACTUALLY read stuff I want to and actually be educated by it. I'd spend more time with friends and have more time to make new ones so that I can work on some of my social deficiencies. I'd learn the guitar (which reminds me, I need to go sign up for REAL lessons, god help all of us). I'd develop my cooking. I'd write a great screenplay. And I then have a marketable talent which would lead me to a career. Tell me why I pay so much for this "enriching" experience? After all the pain and stuff I've been through throughout my college years, I definately don't think going to school is worth it in a practical sense. I mean, sure the piece of paper is necessary because you really can't work without a college diploma anymore, but really! I think the most telling thing is how happy I am when a class is cancelled. Really, when my teacher cancelled STATS class last week, I was over the moon. It made my day. My family pays over 40, 000 dollars a year for me to be in school and I'm happy when I DON'T get what I paid for. I think that tells the whole story.

Thing I'm Thankful For: I'm thankful for my friends. I started out with none. Now I have many. And eventhough I hate this experience of going to school, I'm really glad you're here to help me through. Thank you for sticking by me even when I seem distant, mean, sad, unfriendly, and all the bad things I know I can be sometimes. I'm blessed to have you around and am truly thankful for you.

If you know a beautiful girl who'd be willing to go on a beach vacay with me, let me know. (We're talking outer-beauty here too, none of this inner-beauty crap). Well, OK, I want her to be perfect. Inner-beauty preferred as well. Remeber the one-piece. Thanks.

Did I Mention that I Hate When Ugly People Make Out in Public?

As you know, I dislike PDA (public displays of affection, not the technological devices) quite a bit. But it ramps up a notch when ugly people make out in full view. The other night in the union, the two ugliest people were sucking face and let me tell you, it was hardcore gross. It was like looking at a moose and a rhinocerous mating. Seriously, people, I'm going to start requesting government legislation if this continues. A fine for the first offense (because its certainly offensive). Life in prison for the second and capitol punishment if you're ugly and you've decided to make out in prison (since you're there forever due to your second offense). Did somebody say ammendment to the Consititution!?

Ok, so I read parts of this blog to my stepmother and she said I was too negative and that I need to end this thing on a positive note everyday. So, in every blog from this point forth I will name something I am thankful for. Think Thanksgiving pre-dinner, exccept everyday.

Today, I am thankful for my much-improved college life. When I first went to college, I hated every second of it. Now, I only hate about an hour a day. That's quite an improvement. I always spent the days by myself my freshman year, I had no friends, bad grades, and nothing to do (all of which are my fault in some way, in addition to my depression). Well, I kicked the depression, I knew I needed a change, went back home for a semester and ended up here in Michigan. It was hard at first at UofM because I didn't have many friends the first semester here, but now I have at least 6 good friends and that numbers still growing (which is solid, I think). I have stuff to do, I make good grades, and if you don't count my floundering love life and my unknown pending career, I feel pretty solid about things. Not too great. But certainly not that hopeless feeling that pervaded the start of my college days. That's improvement, and that's what I'm thankful for today.

I Really Like Sting.

Really, I do. I'm not sure why this is important, but I feel that Sting is one of the most underrated options in my iPod. "After the Rain" is a great song. "If I Ever Lose My Faith" is another. And "I'll Be Watching You" I think is one of the best love songs ever. Which leads me to the question: "I'll Be Watching You:" Romantic love song or creepy ballad about stalking? I'm pretty optimistic on this one, I think it is a love song. I have been accused of being creepy myself, so I may not be the best person to answer this question. So yeah, you might want to take that into account. You know who else likes Sting? My Dad. Which brings me to...

Since my father's been having heart trouble lately (he had a 90% clog in a long artery, resulting in an emergency precedure 3 weeks ago. Not to worry though, he's doing better now) he can no longer play basketball since he is not allowed to run...ever again. Not that he was ever a great basketball player or anything. He could shoot, but in our recent 1-on-1 games, I was not allowed to get within 3 feet of him. But playing basketball with him was a part of my childhood and I feel sad we can't do it anymore. Ever. Kinda makes me realize my parents aren't going to be around forever and that the older I get, the traditions and the other stuff from my childhood is fading. Wow, sad. Despite the set back, my dad brags that he can still do...uh...other things. Sometimes I think our relationship is a little too friendly...

Life Is a Rollercoaster

If it's one thing you take away from this blog, I hope it's this fact that I'm still learning: Life is a rollercoaster-- and if you know me, you know I hate real rollercoasters, so its really a sad analogy for me. It goes super fast with unforseen ups, downs, and loop-dee-loops and the better you ready yourself for all these, the better off you'll be--apparently. Clearly I'm still learning to cope with the downs and the loop-dee-loops. I can usually handle the ups; although this too can be argued. Tomorrow I have my first meeting with the career center. I really hope they have magical crystal balls they peer into and tell me my best route to success....yeah, I know, they'll probably just give me some reference info. Let's hope this is the start of an up, because I'm getting really worried as to what I'm going to be when I grow up (aka, in a year).

Its Adam's birthday today, so if Adam reads this blog...Happy birthday, big fella. Couldn't ask for a better friend. Really miss hanging out with you, impersonating your mom, making Pin faces, and hitting on your little sister. Happy birthday! God bless ya.

Not only is January 22 Adam's 21st birthday, its also the day I met certain people I no longer allow myself to elaborate on. I can't believe its been three years. Please pray I meet someone so that I forget this stupid anniverary...not to mention March 26th (first kiss) and May 21st (Prom)...seriously, this is so silly. The movie that is my life needs a new love interest...NOW!


Oh, and yes, its Tuedsay night. And yes, I had the fortune to watch another depressing movie in my screenplay as literature class. Tonight's screening was Boys Don't Cry, which has all the attributes of a downer- Physical abuse to females, rape, gender crisis, poverty, dellusion, hopelessness, and alcoholism! There should be a seperate Oscar for depressing movies. If there was one, the producers would have another gold statue to go along with Hilary Swank (who makes a believable, albeit girly, boy, who knew!?) Hopefully we'll be watching happier pictures soon. If we don't I fear having to renew my Lexapro perscrpition...definately a down on the rollercoaster.

The Two People I Want to Be

I know what you're thinking. I'm going to say my parents or something like that. No. No, instead, the two people I'd like to wake up as tomorrow (other than myself, of course) are Tom Brady and Bobby Flay. Why these two distinquished gentlemen? Well, Tom Brady (a Michigan man, like me!) has won three Superbowls, is good looking, makes more than God, once dated a very gorgeous Bridget Moynahan, and is now sharing a bed with Giselle. Wow. Did someone say Man of the Century? And to think he's still in his prime...in all senses of the concept.

Bobby Flay, on the other hand, is a fantastic chef, has his own TV show (actually, TV SHOWS!), is funny, handsome, and has a smoking hot wife (if you've ever seen Law and Order, she's the blonde. Yeah.)

Men want to be these guys and women want to be with these guys.

Which gets me to my next question. Why wasn't I born cool? You know how they say leaders aren't made, they're born? I think the same thing goes with being cool. It's like athleticism of the personality. There's probably only so much of this I can blame on poor genes eminating from my father's unbelieable uncool-ness (and being unathletic, come to think of it), but I think I'm living proof that uncool-ness comes from the Y-chromosome...much in the same way that my hair proves that balding comes from the X-chromosome.

I feel like I'm becoming George Costanza. Things need to change.

Loud Noises and the Movies they Show in the Film School...

I know this sounds weird, but I've never grown out of hating loud sounds, like a bullet firing or a balloon popping. Its been this way ever since I was a litte boy at birthday parties and it hasn't ever stopped. I look like a goober when I have to hold my hands over my ears because I know a gun is about to fire in a movie. And if I don't know a loud sound is coming and one occurs? Yeah, I'm a jumper. Fantastic.

Also, why is it that when you study film as a discipline, you have to watch THE SADDEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME!? Honest to goodness, sometimes the movies they show us have me contemplating the meaning of my life...like how futile it can be. Why can't we just watch Bring It On or better yet, From Justin to Kelly? I mean, I know they're not good movies, but at least they wouldn't shake my faith in the universe (OK, you got me, they would, but in an entirely different way).

When do I get to sign up for Date Movies 371? Heck, it's probably a class I could teach. I'd have a masters in Hugh Grant. Can't you just see me teaching a class on date movies? "No, Mr. XYZ, it's 'Bugger,' not 'Bogger!'" "No, I'm sorry Ms. ABC, in fact, Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan have appeared in three films together, with Joe and the Volcano being the first." Where do I pick up my ugly blazer with the felt elbow patches?

Professor Mann's class is in session.

I Hate Losing...

So, the Southwest Paintrain IM co-rec basketball had its first game this evening, one we lost. I hate losing at stuff. Maybe its not that I hate losing at just video games. Maybe I just plain hate losing. Then I think about it and I realize how much in my life I've been losing. Like, things that are important to me too. I lost out on getting to be Editor of my high school newspaper. I lost certain people that I'm not able to elaborate on per my New Year's Resolution. I've been losing at sports since forever. I didn't make good grades in high school and for the first quater of college and I have the feeling I'm losing at something as I write this. I know this all sounds complainy and that I don't focus enough on the things I have- like a good family, nice friends, my health, and the Dallas Mavericks- I just can't shake the feeling that things could be so much more. (SPORS ANALOGY ALERT!) It feels like I have the ability of the New England Patriots with the results of the Detroit Lions. And I hate the Lions...

Sometimes its the things that ARE going for me that make me feel so bad. People I meet (and also my mother, I know she doesn't count...) tell me how funny, and handsome (don't worry, I don't agree with this assessment), and smart, and mature I am. Seriously, like 10 people in the past year upon meeting me have said something to the effect of "Wow, you must have 100 girlfriends!" Yeah, definately not the case, which makes me step back and ask, "Well, if I'm so great, WHERE ARE THE GIRLS!?" I guess I feel like I'm sabotaging myself without my knowledge. Sigh. I also know that I live my life to win at things, as oppsed to not to lose. And when you take such grand risks as I do, you're gonna lose and its gonna hurt. So, I guess some of it makes sense. I know I'm not a loser, I truly believe in my heart that I'm a winner. I'm just tired of losing.

And in other complaining news, I think I've found one of the things that annoys me most in life: waiting for an eliptical because all the others are taken. Treadmills hurt my knees and bikes just don't allow me to workout well enough. Plus, doesn't it seem strange that I have to WAIT to RUN IN PLACE!? I must have an eliptical and when they're all taken, like today, I'm left waiting there like an idiot for 15 minutes asking myself "should I take the one open treadmill? Or should I wait it out for the eliptical?" I got so tired of waiting I took the treadmill, then the sorority girl behind me talks the eliptical that opens up right as I get on my knee killer (the treadmill). Great.

Also at dinner tonight, I got to one of the lines in South Quad, I was there right at the front, bypassing the side line, 30 people deep, only to have the dorks serving tell me that they're closing down the line.

"But there's food right here, just give me some," I say.
"No, this line's closed. I wont give you any."

I hate college sometimes. It just feels like it gets in the way of itself sometimes.

What losers!