Warning, Ojectionable Material...

I love it when things come with a warning label. I think it makes people pay closer attention, when supposedly it asks you to turn your attention away. Who actually turns away when they hear a disclaimer? Not me. I remember one such episode on SportsCenter waaaaay back to like 1993 when a basketaball player disagreed with a ref's call and the SportsCenter commentator, who had previous knowledge of the clip, said "Don't look at his mouth!" as the player clearly mouthed "That's bullshit, you asshole!" To which the SportsCenter anchor responded "I think he said something about dances with wolves and the digestive system." Classic.

And I know what you're thinking..."Did I decide to read Alex's blog today because of the warning only to have him only talk about warnings?" Not to fear. I have something possibly offensive up my sleeve. I'm gonna premier a new concept. Ready? Excellent.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you the concept of the 'non-sexual erection.' Actually, ladies, you might not totally relate to this, although, as I understand (in truth, I don't understand, I just happen to know) you have a similar process of genital stimulation, but I digress. What is a 'non-sexual erection,' you ask? Well, it's basically when you get really excited about something...let's say like you find out you're going to a really nice restaurant or you've just recieved some sort of great news. The excitement is so overwhelming, it affects you, uh, physically...to the point it kind of turns you on.

Examples? Well, since it is my blog, I'll give you some non-sexual erection moments from my life. The Boston Red Sox win their first World Series in 86 years and I was a fan of theirs (obviously, pre-living in Boston days). Non-sexual erection. Trying French glacier (ice cream, which is actually a tad better than Italian gelato). Non sexual-erection. Getting a STATS problem correct. Non-sexual erection. Anne Hathaway. Non-sexu...oh, wait, real erection. Well, I think you get the point. I think it works.

So, I'm having terrible trouble getting up in the morning. I was a solid 7 minutes late to my first class today. This after having been a solid 10 minutes late to my first class the day before. I'd have to say, I HATE getting up in the morning. Its so cold outside, why do I have to leave the warmth of my bed to be lulled back to sleep by a droning German professor? To add insult to injury, I was dreaming of cuddling with Inga, my stunning yet imaginary Sweedish girl friend....I didn't even get to say goodbye...

Wait? Really?

So, I was watching my obcession (Food Network) and I saw they did a mini-feature on the show Unwrapped (which is underrated in the pantheon of Food Network programming) on a UofM professor who teaches a class on chocolate. WTF!!!?!? Why haven't I heard of this? This is going right to the front of my fall semester backpacking. I will steal, cheat, lie, and kill to get in that class. Did someone say Suma Cum Laude?...I did my honors thesis on Count Chocula...sweet!

By the way, the Dove bar is named such because the Dove is a Greek symbol of love and peace and their founders were from Greece....just in case you were, ya know, curious.

So, I finally sorted out one of my life's conundrums. I'm going to London to celebrate my mom's 50th birthday right when I get out of school THEN go to California for some fun in the sun/ internship business. It seems minor, but working that kink out is a big step for the near future. Now to find the love of my life and figure out my passion. For the record, I'm open to suggestions.

My parents offered to send me to cooking school when done with college, in France none-the-less. I don't think I'm going to take them up on it...the food business seems a little too daunting, and this is coming from a person who hopes to break into Hollywood, but its a cool concept. Although, I'd love to do nothing but cook all day. They said my birthday present is actually a week long cooking course in either France or No Cal right after I graduate next year, so I have that to look forward to.

So, my newspaper screwed me over today as I spent 11 hours covering tennis this weekend, only to have them cut my 500-word story to oh, you know, 30 words!! Yeah, sucks.

But you know what? I'm turning this into a positive. In the past, I would've walked into the newsroom and verbally kicked someone in the nuts; however, today, I'm going to take the high and understanding road. I'll stick with them despite what happened. I mean, I don't get paid, so they really wasted my time, but I'll just say this weekend was experience and hopefully never again will they do this to me. Here's to growing up a little...which is what I'm thankful for today.

Alex and the Christian Holiday of Lent

I know what you're thinking: "Alex, aren't you Jewish?" Yes, I am. Yet, in honor of Lent, celebrated by many Christian friends of mine, I have decided to give something up for a month. Starting today, I am taking a hiatus from making fun of people. While certainly a funny and effective part of my sense of humor, I think I've utilized poking fun at people to adnauseum and am trying to stop. I can, however, make fun of myself. So, at least I can always bank on that. If for the next month you find me humorless, just know I'm trying to build myself into a better person.

Sam's reaction: "If you're not going to make fun of anyone, then there's no real reason to hang out with you anymore."

...great

So, the other day in Screenplay as Literature class, the quote of the semester happened. In class we read scripts, but we don't always see the movies we read. So, this one kid was talking about the script for The Big Lebowski and I expected him to say "I haven't seen this movie." But what actually came out of his mouth was "I haven't seen this movie...sober." Classic.

Today, I'm thankful for the fact that spring break is so damn early. I really need some time off.

The Last Thing I Would Say If I Won the Superbowl Is...

"I'm Going to Disneyworld." Why? Because I hate theme parks. More specifically, I hate the rides. Who wants to be purposefully scared? Not me. You know where I'm going after I triumphantly lead my team to a world championship? Probably to the bathroom then to sushi.

Unfortunately our IM basketball team lost today, completing our season at 0-4. At least the suffering is over.

My XBOX is apparently on its way back from getting repaired (or at least, so says the UPS website). It feels like a long-lost family member is coming back home. Would it be too much to wait by the mail room for the UPS guy with a banner that says "Welcome Home!"

Tomorrow is a huge day for Michigan football as it is national signing day. This could determine whether we'll be good next year or if we'll suck. Please pray we get our man.

Today, I'm thankful for my new-found gift of gab. I'm actually pretty skittish at talking to people I don't know. But after observing my father closely in the past few years (he's not really the king of talking to people he doesn't know, he's more like an Earl), I've picked up on some of the neuance of this skill. I think I'm getting better and I think people are starting to take notice. Cool.

I'm Terribly Sorry If This is Offensive...

But I dislike penis-shaped food, e.g. hot dogs, Coney dogs, popsicles, etc. I particularly hate corn dog day in the cafeteria-- it looks like everyone's giving a bj. And trust me, some people you just don't need the image of their, um, felactial talents. The next time you witness an ugly person chowing down on a hot dog or popsicle, you can thank me for that wonderful image.

I also love root beer. Not Barq's or A&W or any of the really commerical stuff. I prefer the kinds you find in Whole Foods that looks like it could have been made in the back of someone's Chevy....mmmm, that's the stuff.

I've almost mastered the beginning intro of "In My Life" by the Beatles on my guitar. I'm pretty proud of myself....even though it is 6 notes long. I really need lessons....

Today I'm thankful for my room. 314 Cambridge House will again be my home next year, meaning it'll be my permanent home during my tenure at Michigan. I know what you're thinking: "Only losers live in dorms when they're seniors." Point taken. But there are undeniable positives. I figure I have the world's best roomate (oh, I don't have a roomate! yay!), I have my own bathroom, and its situated in the perfect part of this campus. Other than the cost (which is expensive) living in my room is kind of great. And if living great makes me a loser (shut up, mom), then so be it. You're just jealous of the Penthouse! And that's what I'm thankful for.

Food Network Husbands

Do I really need to see Rachel Ray's husband on their love fest through the streets of Barcelona? Do I really need to see Giada take a lunch-time picnic basket to her husband Todd (or, as I lovingly call him, "f-ing Todd") and make goo-goo baby eyes at him for 20 minutes? I hate it when Food Network (which I love) shoves their stars' love lives in my face. In a way, I'm surprised they didn't show the, achem, after-meal when Rachel Ray and her husband John finished their Tapas in Spain. And what do I really hate? When these lovely ladies marry loser-low lifes. I'm pretty sure if you added the manliness factor of Pussy Todd and F-ing John together, they wouldn't come close to my heroic man-ness.

So, I woke up this morning to the following phone message from my father:

"Hi Alex. Um, I went to shoot baskets this morning at the gym. First time since my [heart] problem. I shot great. Look out, because when you come here, I'm gonna kick your ass. Hope you're having a good day." [click]

I know I make a lot of fun of him and he ruthlessly makes fun of my love life, but I'm thankful for my father. God knows I can't live with him anymore, but I'll miss him when he's gone.

So, I Guess I'm a Wild Child Now...

I drank my bi-annual cup of beer last night. And I remembered the minute it hit my tounge why I only drink non-wine alcohol only twice a year. Seriously, people, why beer? It sucks. It's like fizzy horse pee. Yech! Why can't it be cool to drink something good, like orange flavored Stewart's pop or taro flavored bubble tea? Did somebody say bubble tea pong? You like it. No. You love it! If someone wants to challenge me in a bubble tea pong tournament, I'll take you on. Booyah.

In other news, I got published in the Daily for the first time, cut my hand on a chain-link fence, ate my first BTB churro (the jury's still out on them...), and celebrated Gentz's birthday by going to dinner with a ton of people. Seriously how do people get so many friends? I can only hope that many people attend my funeral. Afterwards, we got ice cream (yes its 40 degrees below zero outside, but ice cream still tastes great), watched the office, and inquired to random girls if they'd give Gentz a lap dance. I didn't get a yes. What's a brother gotta do to get another brother a lap dance!?

Oh well, hope it was a happy birthday none-the-less, Gentz.